i'm unsure about my future
up until this point my life has been pretty much linear. primary school? done. high school entrance exam? great. high school? done. university entrance exams? spectacular. i was preparing for the upcoming exam and exams, studying and that's all i did.
i decided to be a doctor since human biology was really interesting to me. i also sometimes wonder what my life could've been if i pursued something like computer science—my interest in that came out after i made my mind about being a doctor. i don't regret my decision though. that is never more than just entertaining the thought.
but now i'm faced with the lingering question of where my future lies. do i want to stay here despite the not so bright future of this country? that also means i'd have to enter yet another exam to choose my specialty. it's not pleasant but doable. though i'm not the bright kid i once was. at least it feels like it. i feel like i'm surrounded by people equal or better than me and the confidence i have for myself doesn't get any better since more often than not i'm just doing the bare minimum to pass. it feels like i'm not performing at my best because i lack the support structure my family provided for me.
that is also why i'm hesitant to immigrate to a different country. leaving is hard. staying is easy. in the short term anyways. how can i think of immigration when not being in the same city as my family effects me this much? can i overcome leaving all the people i care about?
i'd have to learn a whole new language and not only communicate but communicate well enough to be a doctor in it as well. there are also exams—there always is. i'd have to fight my way through bureaucracy, get the equivalence certificates or whatever for my degree. and even if i did, where to?
then again is there a future for me here? maybe that whole process of immigration is easier or at least on par with the specialty shebang here. maybe it's worth it to just take the plunge.
what do i want to specialise in anyways? what the fuck do i do. i feel so lost.
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