little update
hey, i'm breaking my silence after a long while. it's always hard to come back after a break. to be honest i've been struggling for the past couple of months. i do not know how transparent i want to be and how much i want to reveal myself but it's been rough to say the least.
i have been dealing with the stress of the hospital, long work hours, dogshit pay and constantly being scolded. i don't mind the work hours but i can not handle the stress and the reprimanding. my medical knowledge is at an all time low. i'm inside the hospital all the time but it feels like i'm the farthest i've been to being a doctor. i question if i want to even do this at all sometimes.
i look at myself just two years ago, the person who chose emergency med as an elective and loved every chance of hands on experience. i chose this degree willingly yet now it feels like i lost most of the passion i had once.
this phase is probably temporary. it's hard being treated like dirt most of the time yet also expected to "doctor" when it's convenient for them. the medical world has hierarchies rivaling the military.
i have been doing better though, all things considered. started medication for anxiety and started therapy. i still don't know what my plans for the future are. not practicing after i graduate to study for the specialty exam and choosing something like radiology does sound appealing nowadays. but nothing is concrete.
it feels like the degree i wanted slowly consumed my life, my hobbies, my relationships and now that it has nothing left to consume, started tearing into my own flesh. it feels like i'm stuck in this loop and can't see a way out. some days are better than others. i will take this day by day and week by week. there is always light at the end of the tunnel, that's what i keep telling myself anyways.